Remedy…

I’m still stumbling through a room, cupboards full of remedies, the old ones didn’t work anymore, what must I do to extradite myself from myself?

Confrontation.

I was having bible study last night when the preacher crossed the point about confrontation. Suddenly, I chanced upon a recollection of events tucked way back in my sub-conscious. I realised that this was the memory that kept me alive till now. A memory I’d reach back in to grasp in times of turmoil…

Ah yes….it was at night, we were sitting in a circle, I sat at the back, as usual. I was still a skeptic. But for once, I closed my eyes and I tried. I waited and waited. After awhile, I felt Someone sitting beside, but I couldn’t see that Someone. That Someone moved his hands over my shoulders and whispered into my ears “its okay, I love you”, it was all so physical and surreal. Immediately, I knew it was Him! Tears begin to flow down my cheeks, it was uncontrollable, I couldn’t explain any of this…..Nothing could explain this confrontation, experience overwrites all theories and reasoning.

Every time I feel like walking away, I’d look back at this one memory and tell myself, I cannot deny His existence, the fact that that night was real. That personal confrontation was real…..

Letting you know…

Suddenly I realised how precious you are to me, how much I need to shelter you from this world, how much I needed to be there for you, how much I need to guide you, how much I needed to inspire you and how much I needed you to realise you are never alone in this broken down world that we live in.

Protected: Seperated for a divine appointment

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Yahweh, we look to…

He sits upright and undaunted amidst the comedy of errors.

Appalled and distraught, we gasp and heave.

Disheveled and worn, we withdraw into the abominable bondages of the world that knows no bounds.

The end is near, the dire magnitude of death sits on your shoulders.

The speck of light unacquainted itself from you.

You feel the prod of an outstretched hand.

Ever so abruptly, a spark ignites and illuminates the pitch black of dire death.

The light permeates ever so faintly, it ignites one final time and convulses into an array, a spectrum of colors.

You glare in surrealism, stagger to get a grip.

It was Him, you enjoined with…..

I’m waiting for mine….

A very personal message to a very personal someone. (I’m not a hypocrite, I’m too direct I guess, but who likes to beat around the bush)

First off, despite no one in the room then that thought I was wrong, but if I truly offended you then I’m sorry, if you are really that petty, I’m sorry, if you choose to believe that a sentence offended that coach of yours, I’m speechless. Does that mean when I insult you I also do the same to your parents as they were the one that gave birth to you? If you are really looking forward to this apology then there you go, its no biggie to me, its mere insignificant in fact. For me, I’ve looked further into the matter to answer you, why I reacted in that way, you could only receive my end of the information as irrelevant? Know where I’m coming from.

2nd, “okay. I’m no one to judge you. Continue to have that mindset if you think its right. No one can stop you.”

You have already contradicted yourself, the notion of you judging me still stands as passing off someone’s mindset as right or wrong, is already judging as someone’s mindset is only opinion such as it cannot be wrong or right but only opinion. Furthermore, you do not know me to any extent for you to comment about me that way.

3rd “You would think I’m the only one who feels this way huh. Hah. Sad.”

Its sad cus, you are the only one that actually thinks this way, c’mon wake up, ask around before make such a comment! It could also be sad because you’re still holding on to events that occured 2-3years ago which has total irrelevance to what is happening. “Angel, Esther and more” More, who??? Name them! I could name yours, can’t you name mine? Angel, yes I do admit, yes but Esther? Sorry never recalled.

4th “I really have no idea how to wake you up. All I can tell you is that you should go find people who are unbiased and ask them what do they think. I’ve personally went around asking friends, both close and not close ones, about their opinion about both of us. Even asked a church leader about myself. You should find some and ask them for their honest answer. I know you might still be able to say that they could be hiding stuff also. That’s really up to you.”

You are not higher than me, so pls don’t ask me to wake up, being a leader doesn’t warrant such an authority over another friend of yours. Infact you are leader of? Can’t think of any right now. In the past perhaps, o well. Os, you would say I guess. Infact, I have done that, Samuel Tay, one example, he deviates far from your opinion of me, and we all know that he is neutral in this. As you have mentioned, “opinion” that doesn’t affirm that you are what they say as a person cannot know another person too well as the person isn’t the person himself, agree? That is why only God judges. The fact that you even do such a thing, “went around asking friends” means that ur insecure, and you would still dare to refer that to who I am? Only you understand yourself better than anyone, if you don’t, that means you delude yourself, nobody knows you better than you. And c’mon, lets be real here, its pretty obvious that they would be hiding stuff wouldn’t they, would they tell you ur ugly side right infront of ur face for you to shut them up? Its pretty obvious that you’re only being told what you like to hear, lets not be too naive here ok? Even if you’re mistakes are being exposed, would you gladly listen and change? I really doubt so, your pride has blinded you to an extent whereby violating school rules means nothing to you anymore. Despite who you are, school rules are school rules, you might have realised you were wrong later, but at that point of time, it was the demonstration of your pride blinding you, I dare tell you, I looked away in disgust. That a teacher could tell you that you were wrong to wear such a shirt to school and it was against the school rules, you would not admit you were in the wrong, you would not. I knew I was in the wrong for not cutting my hair, but I only pleaded, I gave in, see the difference, I have pride too, but to a certain degree, but urs, overwhelms you.

5th “I’ve seen so many diff type of people. With all sorts of characters, not people from church who are mindful of what they say. There are people who uses things like humour to hide their discomfort. but for you, you try to use other people’s things to cover up your own . And it doesn’t make anything better. You caused the prob, be a man and apologise without bringing things that are irrelevant in. I was speaking to James and you came in disagreeing, I kept quiet and you still dare to say it’s rubbish. In fact, you’ve offended me and a coach I respect a lot. Not everything should be done behind closed doors, especially things concerning you. And there are plenty who had issues with you. Angel, Esther and more. And most were caused by your insecurity. I don’t usually like to say things that hurt people’s feeling, but you’re still the approval seeking boy you used to be. Only now, you’re lying to yourself all the time.”

Please do not think you’ve seen so many different types of people, because you haven’t, trust me, you haven’t. Know this, you do not know me, for I only show a false appearance before you, and every single human being that exist in our social network has agreed to that. I wanna run you down every single time you talk because the trigger point comes in when I hear that tone of voice, the voice of superiority that I can’t stand, always using humour as an ending point to not anger you too much. I would admit I’m very stubborn, but you, you’re incredibly stubborn. For the record, I did not say the word “rubbish”, pls do not put words into my mouth, I only said its illogical, and everyone agreed with me. Let me reiterate this once more, the problem happened, it takes two hands to clap, think about it, is it necessary for me to be in the wrong but not you for kicking up such a big fuss? Nobody in the room saw me as wrong, you can ask every single one of the, they passed you off as being petty. But again, if you insist to think I offended you, then I’m sorry. “you’re still the approval seeking boy you used to be” Who are you to even judge me for who I am when you don’t even know me, who are you to say things that try to hurt my feelings when you don’t even know me. I have said you are prideful, but I have not said that you are arrogant because pride has its pros and cons and depicts the behaviour of a person but arrogant stamps a mark on the person’s personallity deeming it as it. There is a difference, saying someone that is irritating is one thing but calling the person attention seeking is already judging because you cannot be too sure why that person is irritating for, that is why you cannot judge the person as that. That is the reason why I have not judged you. “Only now, you’re lying to yourself all the time.” How dare you say that I am lying, we are friends, I come to you with sincerety to reason out with you and you dare accuse me of lying? How do you even know I’m lying, are you God? How do you know? You guess you judge? You never know too well as you aren’t the person himself, I have told you that. Furthermore, for you to say that, its sad to say that 6 years of friendship, you don’t even know me at all. Also hurts to think that you think so little of me. I’ve personally showed the message to countless friends of mine, they all said you don’t know me at all.

6th Why do you refer to the situation as an elephant? For we are friends, we reason with each other. Dude, we are all equal despite whatever status we have, you have to stop thinking that you are special and different from anyone just because you are given the chance to be a leader, at this point of ur life, ur not anyone great at all, I can tell that in your face. No one seriously cares about you being a leader or not, go out into the society, you change, you need to change, no argument with that man. You need people to tell you because you don’t see it, you’re too blinded by your own pride. I’ve seen many people who have been leaders but they are nothing like you, take Claria for instace, she has been a leader of many factions in the school, she’s not like how you are. Even when your friends speak bad behind your back, I would always try to put in a good word for you, you can ask them personally, because that’s the truth. When you tell me that people talk about me behind my back, would you think I’m not aware? I am fully aware as I know I’m not perfect and there are bound to be people talking behind my back, that even happens to my church leader, tell me what exempts you from that? Maybe you don’t see it because you’re too blinded by your own pride to see that so many people are always constantly cursing you, questioning my company with you but I would always take your side, know why? As I’ve said, I defend you from their insults because they’ve yet to know you, so it doesn’t give them the rights at all to even pass off that kind of judgement on you. You would think that they are the people with “issues” but are they? Why couldn’t it have been you that gave a bad impression? Nobody knows that is why you cannot be too sure and say that they are in the wrong because it could’ve been you that was in the wrong. Therefore both parties have no rights to judge one another as they do not know each other at all even so, both parties have no rights to judge each other as they cannot know each other too well. Do not think you can read people or you know people well just because you are a leader, they might not be what you perceive, even so if you can, at this point of ur life, you are not anyone great to do so.

Know that you are not great, so am I, you are just like anyone of us, stop putting yourself above me or anybody else, you can deny all you want that you aren’t but everyone thinks so and I can name them personally for you. I am FAIRLY open to people telling me I have done things wrong, but there’s a limit to that, they don’t go passing off judgement. Even my church leader, doesn’t do that because he knows he has no right to, what right do you have as a lesser man than him to even do so? Please know that you’re not always teaching someone anything, in fact my church leaders don’t even consider themselves mature or old, so what makes you any different from silently thinking so in your heart? You see, my accusation of you being prideful is an act, not a judgement whereby everyone agrees but not a single person agrees with your judgements of me.

7th “But, they do not know that we leaders have been through things,
Where people get a chance to share their opinions about our flaws?
Many of us are trained to analyse ourselves and change if necessary.”

A single exchange of opinions, please do not hold on to it for life, tell me, how long ago was that camp? Event or whatever you wish to call it? Do you think I do not know? I’ve been through it before, an opinion is only true to an extent because the person doesn’t know you fully therefore cannot present a 100% accuracy of who you are there. You second sentence already contradicts your first sentence, what is the use of people sharing their opinion with you when you are already trained to analyze yourself and change? Saying that you are able to analyze yourself and change is just a lousy excuse for not listening to people. You cannot analyze your own mistake because you don’t see it, many of a times, get it? You might be able to do it sometimes, not too hard, but not all the time, you need people to tell you. If you can really analyze your own mistakes and change, what is God for? What did Jesus die for? He died for everyone except the leaders because they don’t need God, they can change on their own, is that it? NO! Jesus died for everyone, despite leader or not! Have you ever asked yourself why is it that I run you down every single time you tell me something personal? Because it’s not true, because you don’t know me at all! Ask Samuel Tay, he has told me occasionally about my mistakes and I would gladly change, because he knows me but you don’t and even if you want someone to humble himself or herself, you first need to humble yourself which you have failed to do so!

8th A police man has no right to judge a criminal, only a judge can. the criminal is only morally right or wrong, which narrows down to common sense, the judge doesn’t judge a criminal’s personality and sentence him accordingly, your illustration is already contradictory as a sentence is passed out despite what personality you have, as long as what you’ve done is measured morally right or wrong you are sentenced. Because even the judge knows, one person cannot know another person too well to pass a personality judgement, that is why it has not been done. Even so, in what position are you to judge anyone? You are not in a position of a judge to even do so because you are on equal ground with the criminal. You are not higher than me to do so. If anyone can pass off any judgement and be certainly right, what is judgement day for?

I would say you are wrong in this situation, wrong for judging me because you do not know me, that is it. If you are really that of a leader, we wouldn’t even be in this verbal fist fight now, you would have given in to me and won me over to your side, 3 days ago, but you have not, You know why you won’t listen to me? Because you think I’m the same old insecure low esteem Samuel that you used to know, but you never know how much God can change a man.

Whatever I have stated here might not be all true, but I could say at least 50% is true, I emphasize, at least. You can learn from every accusation as not 100% is false, at least a mere 10% is true, and perhaps learning from that 10% can make you a better person, so it doesn’t hurt to listen does it? But  all that you’ve said about me is false, as you do not me at all, that is the failure of being correct at least. But a few accusation you’ve made about me are partially true and I have learnt from it.

I do not expect you to change or even believe what I’ve said, but at least know this that you have hurt me by thinking so little of me for 6 years that we have been friends and passing judgment upon me when you do not know me at all, I do not blame you as perhaps, it has been me, even Samuel Tay knows me better than you, that’s sad. The reason I’ve let all these passed is because you are my friend, a good one I can say, but since you’ve judged me, I have to bring it up. Sadly, because none of this matters when someone is your friend. The only reason why I always react in such a way to you is the superiority in your voice which I detest and loathe in silence.

Please consider and reflect every single word in this post before giving me a rebuttal just as I’ve done with yours.

Conversation

Me : I don’t think I’m ready…

Him : You’re ready.

I withdrew from the joyous clamor of the congregation to be enjoin by His continuous tugging and prompting in the very quintessence of my being. The following ensued…

Me : I thought you said I was ready?

Him : You thought you aren’t, you didn’t have faith. You are only ready, until you have faith.

Me : Is it so necessary? But, the man that I am? Are you sure?

…..he was so quick to answer in my place, that vermin, creature! Beast of man, father of liars, sometimes I adhere to that name…….

Me: “O, we all sin”

Me: We all sin? Get behind me!!!

The ending prelude picked up, the opportune time is now!

Me : Give me a chance! You know I’ll be better, You know so well that I’ll be able to do it, help me! Give me faith!

I knew, my dwindling echo did not fall on deaf ears, nobody might have heard it but He did.

Zimbabwe face.

Sup Mah Zimbabwe face bro! This the post that I’ve long promised you but I’ve been too lazy man, so its cool right? Haha anyways Introducing Samuel which isn’t me but a Zimbabwe face bro named Tay, WahEva, I have no idea what im talking about but this our crazy language so I’d firgure you’d decode this haha!!!! Anyways here is a photo of me brotha..

Erm, the one on the left of course, DO NOT be decieved by his mild looks because he is a master flirt! He flirts with almost every single detectable female on his “Samuel radar” This fearless sonofagan spits in the face of heavy weights and awaits his demise, this is mah bro AhTay! (Thank you for being my friend.)

As bright as I want to shine, I create a bigger shadow…..

Everyday takes figuring out how to live, Sometimes it feels like a mistake, Sometimes its a winners parade, Delight and angers, I guess thats the way its supposed to be…

Please heal me, I cant sleep.. Thought I was unbreakable, but this is killing me, Call me, everything… Make me feel unbreakable, lie and set me free!

I feel the fear takes hold, Afraid this hell I create is my own, Calm my franticness, I cant take it anymore, This used to be my own world, but now I’ve lost control..

Stood up

You’ve sat on me for so long, I came face to face with you last night and now you plague me with such infirmity? No longer will I live a life of defeat because He lives in me.